]]>]]>Doug: I told you already, my dentist died six years ago....
Carrie: Just because your dentist dies does not mean you are free from ever going to one again.....
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Deacon: Why don't we watch the game at my house?
Doug: Cause i have real food here, you only have fruit. No way i'm watching the boxing while eating a nectarine!
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Doug: Friends keep you away from TV.
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Carrie: Hasn't anyone said you look like someone?
Doug: Oh, you mean like every famous fat guy in every movie ever?
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Spence: Oh my God! My TiVo thinks I'm gay!
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Arthur Spooner: Why do we have to sit so close to the kitchen? Is it because we're BLACK?
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(Doug and Deacon are locked in a refrigerated truck with penguins)
Doug Heffernan: "Warning: Please retain key as refrigerated trucks are not equipped with interior door handles". Mother of ASS!
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Arthur Spooner: Permission to buy a parrot and name him Douglass.
Arthur Spooner: Permission to buy another parrot and name him Douglass II.
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Doug Heffernan: Thanksgiving, man. Not a good day to be my pants.
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Doug Heffernan: There's no better feeling in the world than a warm pizza box on your lap.
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Arthur: Well, time for work. The pretzel store awaits.
Doug: Off to the salt mines, huh?
Arthur: I don't follow.
Doug: It's just an expression. Plus, you work in a pretzel store.
Arthur: (confused look)
Doug: Pretzels have salt...
Arthur: Well, that's 10 seconds of my life I'm never getting back.
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Arthur: You're not throwing out these rubber bands, are you?
Carrie: They're all broken, Dad.
Arthur: So...you tie the ends together and they're just as good as new, Mrs. Rockefeller! (heads downstairs with the rubber bands) Well, there goes my day off! Right out the window!!
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Carrie: You know there's more to do in life than sitting on your ass watching TV.
Doug: Oh yeah, like what?
Carrie: I know, why don't I buy you that walkman so you can tone your abs like you said.
Doug: Oh...that was NEVER gonna happen and you KNOW it.
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Doug: Carrie, you awake?
Carrie: Yea, you?
Doug: Well, I asked you, so, uh, yea.
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Doug: I`m sorry. I'm not embarrassed by you.
Carrie: That's nice coming from a man whose wearing his house as a belt.
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Arthur: You love your parents more than me, admit it!
Doug: Done.
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Arthur: Douglas! Are you alright? I heard someone screamin' like a bitch!
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Carrie: I just realized with you I need to lower my expectations.
Doug: The lower you go, the happier you'll be.
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Doug: I can't believe I opened a 300 dollar bottle of wine.
Danny: I can't believe I bought a rabbit!
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Doug: Okay, a tie that looks exactly like a trout is stupid?!
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Doug: Boy, the Chinese really dropped the ball when it came to the desserts, huh?
Carrie: I know. It's like, what, you can't jam a fortune into a piece of fudge cake?
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Arthur: I don't want cheese out of pity. I want cheese out of love!!
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Doug: Eating is not cheating!
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Arthur: Douglas can you do me a favor and discreatly set the drapes on fire.
Doug: Are things going that bad?
Arthur: Yes. She is diseased and terribly boring!
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Doug: That's offensive. I take my church very seriously.
Arthur: I'm sorry. While you're there, say hi to the Easter bunny for me will ya?
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Woman: What kind of cake is this?
Arthur: It is called fast cake. It tastes better the faster you eat it.
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Arthur: I've got news for you, sweetheart. Tonight was the first night I felt alive since you dragged me into this house. But you couldn't stand to see it, could you? No, you had to hobble me like that fat broad in Misery!
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Doug: How beautiful was that. I hand the girl a strategically folded coupon hiding the expiration date...she hands me a supersize popcorn.
Carrie: Yeah, way to go. You outsmarted a 13-year-old girl with an eyepatch.
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Arthur: But i am basement Artie, i certainly would'nt want to lose that moniker.
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Carrie: It's not bad! It's being thrifty.
Doug: No, it's being shoplifty.
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Doug: Life is a big trip and we all have to stop for gas sometimes.
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Arthur: (to Doug) What's troubling you, son? You never looked heavier.
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Doug: We're the Heffernans...we've got Heffervescence
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Doug: Loafers AND a musical? You're really gayin' me up!
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Doug: Happy mozzarella trails? Note slut.
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Spence: Oh my God!! Tivo thinks im gay!
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Carrie: Excuse me? I'm not gonna throw food at my father.
Doug: What about that chicken leg last week?
Carrie: He threw peas at me first!!
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Doug: You obviously don't understand what's going on here. I'm talking high def...High def.
Carrie: Ohhh, yeah...that means nothing to me.
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Arthur: Ah, you don't know your ass from your elbow
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Doug: My God. How much of that tanning stuff are you using?!
Carrie: None.
Doug: None?! You look like Seal!
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Arthur: In my book, the losers are the real winners.
Doug: Then what are the winners?
Arthur: They're still winners. You can't take that away from them Douglas. After all, they did win.
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Arthur: See, you simply put the Arthur Head screwdriver into the corresponding "A" hole of the screw.
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Doug: By the way, don't bother bringing him (Kirby) by the house this year.
Deacon: Why not?
Doug: Stupid Arthur smashed the pumpkin all over our backyard. Huge mess. Plus the neighorhood cats are taking their sweet ass time licking it up.
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Doug: (walking in as Arthur is walking up) Hey Arthur, what did you do today?
Arthur: Oh, I had a busy day: Long story short, the shag carpet's all the same length...
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Doug: Why don't you let Mr. Hofferman play guitar for you. I'm sure it sounds even fruitier underwater.
Carrie: Yeah? Well the fruitiest thing I've seen underwater is you my friend!
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Doug: So what movie are we seeing, anyway?
Carrie: Casablanca.
Doug: Ugh. A black and white movie.
Carrie: It's a great movie. Dad, back me up here.
Arthur: Casablanca? Never saw it.
Carrie: You must have. Humphrey Bogart owns a cafe, Ingrid Bergman...
Arthur: Don't ruin it for me!
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Doug: Some guy from the senior center called and wants you to take over for the weekend
Arthur: I can't...Or can I? The will is their but do I have the stamina? You know what...I'LL DO IT!
Doug: Couldn't Care less
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Doug: Yeah now I have to watch my parents for the weekend without Carrie.
Deacon: Just suck it up damn, I mean they took care of you for what 18 years?
Doug: Actually 27
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Stephanie: It's normal to feel weird without a job, I mean you've been working steady since you were what 16?
Doug: 29
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Arthur: So, the fact that I'm bored to tears means nothing to you?
Holly: Arthur, we invited you to play Trouble with us!
Arthur: Your explanation of the rules was incomprehensible!!!
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Arthur: If you ever need to get ahold of me just call 555-LOGS!!
Doug: I guess 555-NUTBAG was already taken!
I will start with a couple of Sophia Bush
"Why would I spend seven dollars to see a movie that I could watch at home?"
"Well, why go to a fine restaurant when you could just stick something in the microwave... Why go to the park and fly a kite when you could just pop a pill?"
- George and Kramer, in "The Gum"
"I think I finally figured out what the flavor is in this gum. It's a little lo-meiny."
- Jerry, in "The Gum"
"She was built in 1922 during the golden age of movie palaces. Minor restorations in 1941, 47, 52, 58, 63, and currently to our present period of time."
- Kramer, giving a tour of the theatre, in "The Gum"
"Now see, this is what the holidays are all about. Three buddies sitting around, chewing gum."
- Kramer, in "The Gum"
"That cashier is riding horses on my money."
"Well, here's what I propose. Go down to the stables, snoop around, see if any high-flying cashier's been throwing twenty-dollar bills around with big lips."
- George and Jerry, in "The Gum"
"Well, if it isn't Chesty Larue!"
- Jerry, to Elaine, in "The Gum"
"We've really gotta get that Elaine a boyfriend."
- Lloyd Braun, in "The Gum"
"It's Goretex. You know about Goretex?"
"You like saying 'Goretex', don't you?"
- George, showing off his new coat, and Jerry, in "The Dinner Party"
"The fabric of society is very complex, George."
- Jerry, in "The Dinner Party"
"I don't even drink wine. I drink Pepsi."
"You can't bring Pepsi."
"Why not?"
"Because we're adults."
"You're telling me that wine is better than Pepsi? No way wine is better than Pepsi."
"I'll tell ya, George, I don't think we want to walk in there and put a big plastic jug of Pepsi in the middle of the table."
"I just don't like the idea that any time there's a dinner invitation, there's this annoying little chore that goes along with it."
"You know, you're getting to be an annoying little chore yourself."
- George, Elaine and Jerry, in "The Dinner Party"
"You're pretty comfortable up there, huh Bubble Boy?"
- Jerry, to George, in "The Dinner Party"
"Ooooo, I like Ring Dings."
- Kramer, in "The Dinner Party"
"You can't show up at someone's house with Ring Dings and Pepsi."
- Elaine, in "The Dinner Party"
"Oh look Elaine, the black and white cookie. I love the black and white. Two races of flavor living side by side in harmony. It's a wonderful thing, isn't it?"
"You know, I often wonder what you'll be like when you're senile."
"I'm looking forward to it."
"Yeah, I think it'll be a very smooth transition for you."
- Jerry and Elaine, in "The Dinner Party"
"I don't like to carry my wallet. My osteopath says that it's bad for my spine. Throws my hips off kilter."
- Kramer, in "The Dinner Party"
"You can't beat a babka."
- Elaine, at the bakery, in "The Dinner Party"
"You'd better be careful with that thing. You'll start a war."
- Kramer, after George bumps someone with his coat, in "The Dinner Party"
"The key to eating a black and white cookie, Elaine, is you want to get some black and some white in each bite. Nothing mixes better than vanilla and chocolate. And yet, still, somehow racial harmony eludes us. If people would only look to the cookie. All our problems would be solved."
- Jerry, in "The Dinner Party"
"Nobody takes better care of their hair than me. You can serve dinner on my head."
- Elaine, in "The Dinner Party"
"I really cannot comprehend how stupid people can be sometimes. Can you comprehend it?"
"No, I can't comprehend it."
"I mean, we can put a man on the moon but we're still basically very stupid. The guy who's car this is, he could be one of the guys that built the rocket. You see what I'm saying?"
"Well, yeah, he can build the rocket, but he's still stupid for double-parking and blocking somebody in."
"So you really understand my point about building the rocket and double-parking?"
"On the one hand he's smart with rockets and on the other hand he's dumb with parking."
- George and Kramer in "The Dinner Party"
"Yeah, you want to trade your hair for some phlegm."
- Jerry, trying to get a better babka, in "The Dinner Party"
"I'm a little scared of her."
- George, talking about Elaine, in "The Dinner Party"
"Fourteen years, down the drain."
- Jerry, about to throw up, in "The Dinner Party"
"How was it?"
"Good as it gets."
- Elaine and Jerry, after he throws up, in "The Dinner Party"
"The only way to really help her is to just let her be."
- Jerry, about Elaine, in "The Seven"
"Carrie, you and Susan are cousins... So, your baby daughter is gonna be Susan's second cousin, right? So what does that make me?"
"It doesn't make you anything."
"Well, so legally I could marry your daughter!"
- George and Carrie, in "The Seven"
"Are you unhappy with our arrangement?"
"What arrangement?"
"Well, I was under the impression that I could take anything I wanted from your fridge, and you could take whatever you want from mine."
"Yeah? Well, let me know when you get something in there and I will."
- Kramer and Jerry, in "The Seven"
"I think I really sprained it."
"Ah, I doubt you sprained it. Maybe you pulled it."
"Maybe."
"Did you twist it? You could've twisted it."
"I don't know."
"Did you wrench it? Did you jam it? Maybe you squeezed it, turned it..."
"You know what? Why don't you just shut the hell up."
- Elaine and Jerry, in "The Seven"
"A wise man once taught me the healing power of the body's natural pressure points. He sells t-shirts outside the World Trade Center."
- Kramer, in "The Seven"
"Seven."
"Seven Costanza... You're serious?"
"Yeah. It's a beautiful name for a boy or a girl. Especially a girl... Or a boy."
"I don't think so."
"What, you don't like the name?"
"It's not a name. It's a number."
"I know. It's Mickey Mantle's number. So not only is it an all-around beautiful name, it is also a living tribute."
- George and Susan, in "The Seven"
"Seven? Yeah, I guess I could see it. Seven. Seven periods of school, seven beatings a day. Roughly seven stitches a beating, and eventually seven years to life. Yeah, you're doing that child quite a service."
- Jerry, in "The Seven"
"I defy you to come up with a better name than Seven."
"Alright, let's see... How about Mug? Mug Costanza. That's original. Or Ketchup. Pretty name for a girl."
"Alright... You having a good time now?"
"I've got fifty right here in the cupboard... How about Bisquick? Pimento? Gherkin? Sauce? Maxwell House?"
"Alright already!!"
- George and Jerry, in "The Seven"
"Mmm... I love this artificial flavoring. I like it better than butter. I think it's more consistent."
- Jerry, eating popcorn, in "The Stall"
"Who does she think she is? How dare she! You want me to get the manager? Too bad they don't have those old ladies walking around with the flashlights anymore... flush her out."
- Jerry, reacting to Jane's bad experience in the bathroom, in "The Stall"
"Elaine, he's a male bimbo. He's a mimbo!"
- Jerry, on Tony, in "The Stall"
"George is like a schoolgirl around him."
- Jerry, in "The Stall"
"I am down. I am totally down. Mark me down."
- George, trying to be cool with Tony, in "The Stall"
"Kramer, my man, what are you doing manana?"
"Manana? I'm doing nada."
- Tony and Kramer, in "The Stall"
"It's a different world when you're with a cool guy."
- George, in "The Stall"
"I think that you're in love with him."
"What? That's ridiculous!"
"No, I don't think so... You love him."
"You better be careful on those rocks tomorrow, buddy. And you're not getting any sandwiches either!"
- Kramer and George, in "The Stall"
"Step off, George. I don't want to see you."
"Me? Step off?"
- Tony and George, in "The Stall"
"Ah, you're crazy."
"Am I? Or am I so sane that you just blew your mind?!"
"It's impossible!"
"Is it? Or is it so possible that your head is spinning like a top?!"
"It can't be."
"Can it? Or is your entire world just crashing down all around you?"
"Alright, that's enough."
- Jerry and Kramer, in "The Stall"
"The walking date is a good date. You don't have to look right at the person."
"Hey, it's the next best thing to being alone."
- Jerry and Elaine, in "The Nap"
"Jerry, look at my eyes."
"Hmmm... they're a little less beady today."
"Because I'm refreshed! I finally found a way to sleep in my office. Under the desk! I lie on my back, I tuck in the chair. I'm invisible!"
"Sounds like a real cool fort."
- George and Jerry, in "The Nap"
"Well, my swimming pool problems are solved. I just found myself miles and miles of open lanes."
"What is that smell?"
"That's East River."
"You're swimming in the East River? The most heavily trafficked, overly contaminated waterway on the eastern seaboard?"
"Technically, Norfolk has more gross tonnage."
"How could you swim in that water?"
"I saw a couple other guys out there."
"Swimming?"
"Well... floating. They weren't moving much, but they were out there."
- Kramer and Jerry, in "The Nap"
"Jerry! Jerry, I'm trapped under my desk. Steinbrenner's in the room. You gotta help me!"
"Who is this?"
- George and Jerry, in "The Nap"
"It'll be years before they find another place to hide more cheese on a pizza."
- Elaine, in "The Nap"
The song on my Win Amp is :
Muse - Sing for absolution
Old song but still good
I ask something and you answer either that or that, and find a new question Playstation or Xbox360?
]]>This is how it works... I say e.g.. Chris .. then the next poster has to say a name that begins with S. e.g. Sarah and then.. Hawk etc. Understand?
Ok here is the first name
Clayton
]]>"When I die, I want to go peacefully like my Grandfather did, in his sleep -- not screaming, like the passengers in his car"
Short funny quotes, Unknown.
"I'm an excellent housekeeper. Every time I get a divorce, I keep the house."
Short funny quotes by, Zsa Zsa Gabor
"I remmember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof."
Short and funny quotes, Rodney Dangerfield
"People think it must be fun to be a super genius, but they don't realize how hard it is to put up with all the idiots in the world," Calvin.
"Isn't your pants' zipper supposed to be in the front?" Hobbes.
Short and funny quotes, Calvin and Hobbes.
"Cheese… milk's leap toward immortality."
Short and funny quote by, Clifton Fadiman.
"Never stand between a dog and the hydrant."
Short Funny Quote by, John Peers.
"You have a cough? Go home tonight, eat a whole box of Ex-Lax, tomorrow you'll be afraid to cough."
- Short and funny quote by, Pearl Williams.
"Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant?? I'm halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh man....I could be eating a slow learner."
Short and funny quote by, Lyndon B. Johnson.
"He's so optimistic he'd buy a burial suit with two pairs of pants."
Short and funny quote by, Chuck Tanner.
"Wait 'til you see the dress that she's got. It's backless. I'm finally going to make a great entrance."
"Backless? You gonna back her in?"
- George and Elaine, in "The Susie"
"She wants to talk?"
"She doesn't want to talk, she needs to talk."
"Nobody needs to talk."
"Who would want to?"
- Jerry and George, in "The Susie"
"My whole life I have never made a great entrance."
"You've made some fine exits."
- George and Jerry, in "The Susie"
"Between you, me, and the lamppost... and the desk, Peggy says this Suse isn't much of a worker."
"It's Susie."
"Nevertheless Elaine, the House of Peterman is in disorder."
- Peterman and Elaine, in "The Susie"
"I gotta get on that Internet. I'm late on everything."
- Jerry, in "The Yada Yada"
"Are you close with your parents?"
"Well, they gave birth to me and... yada yada yada..."
"Yada what?"
"Yada... yada... yada..."
- Marcy and George, in "The Yada Yada"
"I gotta tell you, I am loving this yada yada thing. I can gloss over my whole life story."
- George, in "The Yada Yada"
"Don't you see what Whatley is after? Total joke-telling immunity! He's already got the big two religions covered. If he ever gets Polish citizenship, there'll be no stopping him."
- Jerry, in "The Yada Yada"
"Listen to this. Marcy comes over and she tells me that her ex-boyfriend was over late last night and 'yada yada yada I'm really tired today.' You don't think she'd yada yada sex?"
"I've yada yada'd sex."
"Really?"
"Yeah. I met this lawyer, we went out to dinner, I had the lobster bisque, we went back to my place, yada yada yada, I never heard from him again."
"But you yada yada'd over the best part."
"No, I mentioned the bisque."
- George, Elaine, and Jerry, in "The Yada Yada"
"I wanted to talk to you about Dr. Whatley. I have a suspicion that he's converted to Judaism purely for the jokes."
"And this offends you as a Jewish person?"
"No, it offends me as a comedian."
- Jerry and Father Curtis, in "The Yada Yada"
"You know the difference between a dentist and a sadist, don't you? Newer magazines."
- Jerry, in "The Yada Yada"
"You have no idea what my people have been through."
"The Jews?"
"No, the dentists. Did you know we have the highest suicide rate of any profession?"
"Is that why it's so hard to get an appointment?"
- Tim Whatley and Jerry, in "The Yada Yada"
"Kramer, he's just a dentist."
"Yeah, and you're an anti-dentite."
- Jerry and Kramer, in "The Yada Yada"
"Hi Mr. Abbott."
"That's Dr. Abbott, DDS. Tim Whatley was one of my students, and if this wasn't my son's wedding day I'd knock your teeth out, you anti-dentite bastard."
- Jerry and Dr. Abbott, in "The Yada Yada"
"Hey, what do you call a doctor who failed out of med school?"
"What?"
"A dentist."
- Beth and Jerry, in "The Yada Yada"