Seinfeld Quotes - The Beard

"Have you ever been to the ballet?"
    "No, but I've seen people on tiptoes."
    - Elaine and Jerry, in "The Beard"

"I never realized what an attractive man he is. Oh, he's a real looker, that one."
    - Kramer, talking about George, who is now wearing a toupee, in "The Beard"

"I think they might have sutured that thing to your brain."
    - Elaine, disdainful of George's new toupee, in "The Beard"

"And we discover yet another talent... Posing as a girlfriend for homosexuals."
    - Jerry, to Elaine, in "The Beard"

"Did you describe yourself to her over the phone?"
    "Yes I did."
"What did you say?"
    "What do you think I said?"
"I don't know."
    "I told her the truth."
"As you see it?"
    "Yes, as I see it."
"Did you tell her about your little hat there?"
    "What hat?"
"You know, your little hair hat there."
    - Jerry and George, in "The Beard"

"When someone is lying, is it true that their pants are actually on fire?"
    - Jerry, in "The Beard"

"I feel like my old self again... Totally inadequate, completely insecure, paranoid, neurotic... It's a pleasure."
    - George, after Elaine threw his toupee out the window, in "The Beard"

"You've had like a religious awakening. You're like a bald-again"
    - Jerry, to George, in "The Beard"

"Just remember, it's not a lie if you believe it."
    - George, in "The Beard"

"I have hit the jackpot. The perfect man -- nothing but sex and shopping."
    - Elaine, in "The Beard"

"Being a woman, I only really have access to the equipment, what, 30-45 minutes a week, and that's on a good week. How can I be expected to have the same expertise as people who own this equipment and have access to it 24 hours a day their entire lives?"
    - Elaine, in "The Beard"

"Well, there's always a place for you on our team."
    - Jerry, to Elaine, in "The Beard"

"I got rejected by a bald woman."
    - George, in "The Beard"