Funny quotes from The King of Queens !

Here are some funny quotes from The King of Queens, just for you

Doug: I told you already, my dentist died six years ago....
Carrie: Just because your dentist dies does not mean you are free from ever going to one again.....

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Deacon: Why don't we watch the game at my house?
Doug: Cause i have real food here, you only have fruit. No way i'm watching the boxing while eating a nectarine!

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Doug: Friends keep you away from TV.

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Carrie: Hasn't anyone said you look like someone?
Doug: Oh, you mean like every famous fat guy in every movie ever?

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Spence: Oh my God! My TiVo thinks I'm gay!

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Arthur Spooner: Why do we have to sit so close to the kitchen? Is it because we're BLACK?

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(Doug and Deacon are locked in a refrigerated truck with penguins)
Doug Heffernan: "Warning: Please retain key as refrigerated trucks are not equipped with interior door handles". Mother of ASS!

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Arthur Spooner: Permission to buy a parrot and name him Douglass.
Arthur Spooner: Permission to buy another parrot and name him Douglass II.

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Doug Heffernan: Thanksgiving, man. Not a good day to be my pants.

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Doug Heffernan: There's no better feeling in the world than a warm pizza box on your lap.

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Arthur: Well, time for work. The pretzel store awaits.
Doug: Off to the salt mines, huh?
Arthur: I don't follow.
Doug: It's just an expression. Plus, you work in a pretzel store.
Arthur: (confused look)
Doug: Pretzels have salt...
Arthur: Well, that's 10 seconds of my life I'm never getting back.

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Arthur: You're not throwing out these rubber bands, are you?
Carrie: They're all broken, Dad.
Arthur: So...you tie the ends together and they're just as good as new, Mrs. Rockefeller! (heads downstairs with the rubber bands) Well, there goes my day off! Right out the window!!

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Carrie: You know there's more to do in life than sitting on your ass watching TV.
Doug: Oh yeah, like what?
Carrie: I know, why don't I buy you that walkman so you can tone your abs like you said.
Doug: Oh...that was NEVER gonna happen and you KNOW it.

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Doug: Carrie, you awake?
Carrie: Yea, you?
Doug: Well, I asked you, so, uh, yea.

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Doug: I`m sorry. I'm not embarrassed by you.
Carrie: That's nice coming from a man whose wearing his house as a belt.

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Arthur: You love your parents more than me, admit it!
Doug: Done.

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Arthur: Douglas! Are you alright? I heard someone screamin' like a bitch!

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Carrie: I just realized with you I need to lower my expectations.
Doug: The lower you go, the happier you'll be.

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Doug: I can't believe I opened a 300 dollar bottle of wine.
Danny: I can't believe I bought a rabbit!

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Doug: Okay, a tie that looks exactly like a trout is stupid?!

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Doug: Boy, the Chinese really dropped the ball when it came to the desserts, huh?
Carrie: I know. It's like, what, you can't jam a fortune into a piece of fudge cake?

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Arthur: I don't want cheese out of pity. I want cheese out of love!!

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Doug: Eating is not cheating!

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Arthur: Douglas can you do me a favor and discreatly set the drapes on fire.
Doug: Are things going that bad?
Arthur: Yes. She is diseased and terribly boring!

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Doug: That's offensive. I take my church very seriously.
Arthur: I'm sorry. While you're there, say hi to the Easter bunny for me will ya?

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Woman: What kind of cake is this?
Arthur: It is called fast cake. It tastes better the faster you eat it.

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Arthur: I've got news for you, sweetheart. Tonight was the first night I felt alive since you dragged me into this house. But you couldn't stand to see it, could you? No, you had to hobble me like that fat broad in Misery!

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Doug: How beautiful was that. I hand the girl a strategically folded coupon hiding the expiration date...she hands me a supersize popcorn.
Carrie: Yeah, way to go. You outsmarted a 13-year-old girl with an eyepatch.

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Arthur: But i am basement Artie, i certainly would'nt want to lose that moniker.

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Carrie: It's not bad! It's being thrifty.
Doug: No, it's being shoplifty.

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Doug: Life is a big trip and we all have to stop for gas sometimes.

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Arthur: (to Doug) What's troubling you, son? You never looked heavier.

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Doug: We're the Heffernans...we've got Heffervescence

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Doug: Loafers AND a musical? You're really gayin' me up!

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Doug: Happy mozzarella trails? Note slut.

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Spence: Oh my God!! Tivo thinks im gay!

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Carrie: Excuse me? I'm not gonna throw food at my father.
Doug: What about that chicken leg last week?
Carrie: He threw peas at me first!!

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Doug: You obviously don't understand what's going on here. I'm talking high def...High def.
Carrie: Ohhh, yeah...that means nothing to me.

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Arthur: Ah, you don't know your ass from your elbow

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Doug: My God. How much of that tanning stuff are you using?!
Carrie: None.
Doug: None?! You look like Seal!

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Arthur: In my book, the losers are the real winners.
Doug: Then what are the winners?
Arthur: They're still winners. You can't take that away from them Douglas. After all, they did win.

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Arthur: See, you simply put the Arthur Head screwdriver into the corresponding "A" hole of the screw.

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Doug: By the way, don't bother bringing him (Kirby) by the house this year.
Deacon: Why not?
Doug: Stupid Arthur smashed the pumpkin all over our backyard. Huge mess. Plus the neighorhood cats are taking their sweet ass time licking it up.

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Doug: (walking in as Arthur is walking up) Hey Arthur, what did you do today?
Arthur: Oh, I had a busy day: Long story short, the shag carpet's all the same length...

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Doug: Why don't you let Mr. Hofferman play guitar for you. I'm sure it sounds even fruitier underwater.
Carrie: Yeah? Well the fruitiest thing I've seen underwater is you my friend!

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Doug: So what movie are we seeing, anyway?
Carrie: Casablanca.
Doug: Ugh. A black and white movie.
Carrie: It's a great movie. Dad, back me up here.
Arthur: Casablanca? Never saw it.
Carrie: You must have. Humphrey Bogart owns a cafe, Ingrid Bergman...
Arthur: Don't ruin it for me!

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Doug: Some guy from the senior center called and wants you to take over for the weekend
Arthur: I can't...Or can I? The will is their but do I have the stamina? You know what...I'LL DO IT!
Doug: Couldn't Care less

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Doug: Yeah now I have to watch my parents for the weekend without Carrie.
Deacon: Just suck it up damn, I mean they took care of you for what 18 years?
Doug: Actually 27

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Stephanie: It's normal to feel weird without a job, I mean you've been working steady since you were what 16?
Doug: 29

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Arthur: So, the fact that I'm bored to tears means nothing to you?
Holly: Arthur, we invited you to play Trouble with us!
Arthur: Your explanation of the rules was incomprehensible!!!

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Arthur: If you ever need to get ahold of me just call 555-LOGS!!
Doug: I guess 555-NUTBAG was already taken!